


My Heart Will Stop If I Put Out the Fire

by phdJohnlock



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, Spoilers for Caleb backstory, Spoilers for episode 56, spoilers for episode 57
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2019-11-27 15:39:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18196103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phdJohnlock/pseuds/phdJohnlock
Summary: Snippets of internal monologue from episodes 56 and 57. May write more as the muse strikes me.





	1. Chapter 1

Once before in his life had Caleb been so scared. At that time, his mind was foggy, clouded with anger, poisonous words, and deceitful magic. His fear had consumed him, chewed him out and spat him into a hell hole of grief.

His mind was clear now. 

Slowly, he began to unbuckle the haversack. The clanking of weapons being drawn was not enough to stop him; he was pressured, spurred onward by an insatiable, clawing need. His thoughts raced. 

Jester was standing above him where he knelt on the floor, her hands held behind her by an armored guard. The look she gave him was pure, utter bafflement. He averted his eyes and focused on cautiously, deliberately unfolding the top of the bag. 

Caleb took a long, slow breath.

When Caleb was eight, he had once fallen while running outside on a gravel path, and had cut his knee quite badly. He hobbled back to his house, fat tears spilling down his cheeks. His mother met him just outside, and as she bent down to wrap her arms around him, he hiccuped loud sobs into her shoulder. She picked him up, as if he wasn't a child well past the age of coddling, brought him inside, and settled him gently in her bed. She murmured kind words to him, the sort that meant nothing but were comforting all the same, and smoothed the hair back from his forehead.

“My sweet boy, you will be alright. Your mother is here, I will get you all cleaned up and then you can help me with supper before your father arrives home, _ja_? My brave little boy, please do not cry. I love you so.”

Caleb regarded her from under his teary lashes. Her face was so far away.

From out of the haversack, Caleb pulled the dodecahedron. 

Dunamancy allowed the user to manipulate time, fate, the very fabric of reality. He could learn it. He could master the art and then, _and then,_ he could make it right again, finally, at long last. 

He held the object high aloft, and the room went still.


	2. Episode 57

“Alright, I'm gonna sleep now, g’night.”

“Goodnight, Fjord.”

As Fjord rustled around to get comfortable, Caleb lay on his back staring at the ceiling. He felt strange in a way he couldn't quite name. Hopeful, he had said earlier, and although Jester had poked a bit of fun at him it still seemed like maybe the best word. Was it just that unfamiliar? Had it been so long?

Well, yes. Nearly as long as he could remember.

Fjord’s breathing quickly evened out into the long, slow sounds of sleep. Caleb turned his head a bit to observe him. His sense of Fjord felt no better than it had ever been, even though he had thought they were on the same page not very long ago. Perhaps he had lost Fjord’s trust. Well, he could get it back. They were all safe, and that's what mattered. Fjord would come around to things eventually, or at least he hoped so.

A soft press at his side announced Frumpkin’s presence. The cat stepped on him gingerly, then more firmly, until Caleb turned toward the wall in capitulation. Frumpkin circled twice and then curled in a circle into the parenthesis Caleb formed with his body. He stretched out his neck to accept scritches, which Caleb gave as he thought.

He couldn't think much more about Nott or he'd begin to cry again, and he couldn't have that. He wallowed a bit in intense gratitude for the safe release of Yeza, and quashed his stray fears that Nott might leave them. If she did, he would be happy for her.

He could go, too, perhaps.

But then what would become of the rest? Beau would hate him, though he wasn't sure if that wasn't the case already. Jester would be sad. Probably more sad for the loss of Nott, though. Their friendship was endearing in the way that Jester was endearing, with great purpose and all the time. 

Briefly, Caleb considered Jester’s happiness. It was important to him in a way he couldn't account for. He was certain that the ordeal she suffered those months ago with Fjord and Yasha had bothered her more than she let on; but she seemed to be recovered, mostly, and the visit to her mother appeared to have lifted her spirits as well. 

As he lay staring at the wall, Caleb allowed himself one minute of open and unguarded desire for these friendships. It felt like a sore, stiff muscle. He lacked practice and, he suspected, he wasn't very good at it.

He'd have to try. To make things right, he would keep trying.


End file.
